I used to be in love with this guy. I mean, I went way out of my way to be there for him, to support him, to network on his behalf, but I was only his friend. I thought that maybe if I was there as his friend and he got to know me on a personal level that he would fall in love with me. That he would care about me in a different type of way. We were friends for a long long time but as time went on, my feelings ran deeper and our friendship broke apart because...he was not into me. Not by a long stretch. I had to recognize that it was an no- win situation. He did care about me. Don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Because he wasn’t into me like that. He loved me as a platonic friend but that was where it was going to end. I had to deal with reality of the situation by being real about my feelings.
I know I’m not the only human being who has dealt with this type of situation but there’s one thing we have to remember. If a person is into you, they will be into you. They will love and support you. They will be honest with you about how they feel about you.
There’s a book out right now that talks about this - the concept of "he’s just not into me." and I wanted to explore that deeper.
Coming from my personal history with this situation I have learned a few things.
BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you are in a platonic relationship - keep it just that. Keep it platonic. No daydreaming about that person. I mean, that is something that will eventually escape your mind and enter your reality with that person. If you are truly his platonic friend then there will be no issues with other female friends who show up around him. If you have clear boundaries in the relationship it is much better.
In my situation we flirted with each other all the time. We didn’t have a real boundary at all. We "play-kissed" and all that good stuff. In hindsight, we should have respected each other and not went down that road because it messed up the coolness we had as friends.
Boundaries are especially important when either of you are dating other folks. My friend had a young lady he dated while we hung as friends. She felt disrespected in some ways. We didn’t even think about things like that. We should have taken that into account.
You can respect all parties involved. There is no reason why she should have felt funny with me around, but why did she? Because she knew the way he was looking at me and treating me was more than a "friend" should have been. Keep boundaries and respect everyone involved. This can help all avoid hurt feelings and misconceptions.
PROMISES AND EXCUSES
The man/woman that is "not into you" practices a few of the following:
Consistently breaks promises
Consistently is not around when you really need them
Doesn’t call you or leaves messages on your voice mail
When dealing with any of the things mentioned above, it is up to you to decide whether the person is really into you or not. Personally, I really hate when people make promises they can’t keep. I mean, I am an understanding person. I know things happen where a person may not be able to deliver on a promise. When, however, the failed promises and excuses are consistent, it is up to you to decide what is going to work for you. Do you want to be with a person who is unreliable? If they are unreliable in the beginning, they will stay the same throughout the relationship with you.
When someone shows you that they can’t be respectful to you to support you, you need to take that into account. When someone is not around when you really need them, how can you trust them to have your back during rougher times? The person I called myself being in love with lied about things, he didn’t have my back on things, and I had to rationalize about things by lying to myself. It’s not a good thing to do to yourself. You deserve much better!
When someone can not call you back after they promise you that they will, it is disrespectful to me. That’s just my opinion. It could be totally wrong for you. When you have to run around constantly calling someone to get to them, however, it can be very irritating. If you can pick up the phone...so can they. Saying, "I was too busy," is a lame excuse as far as I’m concerned. If the person is really into you, then they will take the time to call and leave a message even if they can’t reach you. If they can’t even pick up the phone, that is sending a clear message. The person is not interested. Move on.
YOU ARE DIVINE
There is no real reason to be upset when a person is ignoring you and you are "into" them. Ask yourself this question, "how can I be into someone who’s not into me?" You are a beautiful being and deserve to be treated like a queen. If you are allowing yourself to daydream about a person who’s not into you, it can feel like a nightmare.
You have to move from infatuation with another to working on your own self-esteem, body image, and foundation. You don’t have to waste valuable time on a person who’s not into you. It doesn’t mean they are evil. It just means, you need to concentrate on yourself; feeling good, living your life, being positive, and working on your personal goals. Concentrate on taking the time to treat yourself like the divine being God created you to be. Create a special space for yourself and enjoy the life you have. You have to learn just as I learned a few years ago. I learned that I needed to change my image of myself FOR myself. I need to stop living in a daydream and deal with reality. I learned it and I did it. So can you.
Spend time with yourself and let life open its opportunities to you. Your self-esteem and your life depend upon your taking your happiness in your hands and molding it to your specifications. Let’s not waste more time on people who are not into us. We need to move on and live and love those who sincerely want and deserve to be in our lives. We have to stop blocking the blessings God is providing.
It is all up to us to live divinely for ourselves.
© 2004 by Pam Osbey
